–I have some eating tendencies and a relationship with food that hasn’t always had the best history. There were definite times when I restricted too much and therefore was obsessed with food. I never thought I was allowed to eat more than XYZ despite how much I worked out. It was a very bizarre world I put myself into. I don’t think anyone put me there because no one taught me these habits or tendencies. I created them myself. The weird thing about eating disorders is that you create very strict rules to govern yourself. When you break any of these rules, you feel guilty and typically tend to punish yourself.
I thought I would list some of the rules/tendencies that I had and explain how I have broken myself of these habits.
–Calorie Counting. Most recently, I just got obsessed with counting. I used an online food journal and I made myself track EVERYTHING. And I couldn’t eat without tracking my food because I lived in fear I was adding the numbers up wrong and I would overeat. I would only allow myself a certain # of calories a week. If I ate or drank too much on the weekends, that simply meant that I could only eat a very small amount during the week. Prior to this scheme, I tried to keep myself under 500 calories by dinner time. A great idea when you typically workout over lunch. And lastly, prior to both of those, I simply tried to eat as little calories as possible and still function.
And then I quit doing this. I did it cold turkey basically. And yes, the first few days were tough. And I did gain a few lbs (like 3, no big deal!) and I feel the BEST I have ever felt. I don’t worry about counting, I don’t worry about the ‘what ifs’ that may come up later in the day. I simply eat how much I feel comfortable with and if something arises later on, I can access if I feel hunger and want to eat it. Yeah, I probably won’t become as thin as I used to be. I also am a better wife, co-worker and friend. And I am a lot happier, internally. I never should have let weight and food be the controlling factor of my self-worth. There is so much more out there to be enjoyed that when you pigeonhole yourself into obsessing over food, weight and calories, you really are missing out on a lot of fun and a lot of life.
–Overexercising. I think I have done this ever since I started long distance running. I simply couldn’t work out enough. It was impossible. If I was sick or I was hurt, I still worked out. If I didn’t get in at least 6 days a week (most with 2 a days) then I wasn’t working out hard enough. I wasn’t at my dream weight, so obviously if I let up on any of the working out then I would only go in the other direction–gain. This only made my workouts more extreme and intense.
I don’t know if I ever would have quit this if I hadn’t blown out my knee. I was forced to be bedridden and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Guess what, I didn’t gain a ton of weight. Yes, I did gain some, and yes, I have lost most of it. I suddenly learned that cutting out exercise all together isn’t going to make me gain a lot of weight as long as I watch my diet (and not the diet from the above paragraph.) After the second surgery I was on pain killers for awhile. I do not do well with pain killers. They make me very nauseous. So I have to eat about every 2 hours to keep them down. And guess what—I didn’t gain any weight after the second surgery. I simply watched my intake and didn’t make it too small or too large and my body was perfectly happy with this, even though I wasn’t even getting out of bed. I personally enjoy exercising now because of how it makes me feel. Strong, empowered…and it is my alone time. I don’t do it to burn off XYZ calories. I do it for enjoyment and if I am not having fun, then I need to leave the gym and take the day off.
Overweighing myself. I used to weigh myself multiple times a day. This would reflect how much I would allow myself to eat for the rest of the day. I did not accept during the day fluctuations well. This is ABSURD! I was training for marathons and I wouldn’t accept that all the water I was drinking was allowed to impact my weight. So I didn’t drink enough water or feed myself well. All because of a stupid scale.
I actually had to slowly ween myself off the scale. First I only would let myself weigh in during the morning. This still gave me great anxiety and impacted my day. Then I went to every other day and then I tried to go to once a week. This got too hard and I went back to allowing myself to weigh in twice a week. I just got so much anxiety over those once a week weigh ins that I had to go back to 2 a week to take off some of the stress/pressure. I weighed in once on Tuesday and once on Fridays. I did this for quite awhile until one day I suddenly was able to go to Fridays. I have been at Friday’s only for a few months now. I really like it. Yes, I get anxious from Thursday night on and if I have a bad weigh in, it does upset me. But for the other 6 days, I don’t live in fear of the scale. It is liberating.
So there you have it. Just a few habits that I dealt with and I know are pretty common for other people. I just wanted to put my experiences out there. Not sure if they are of any great help but I just know I am proud that I overcame these tendancies.
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