Crosspost between SweetsandSweats and Happinessawaits

I don’t think the day can get much better than that!!!  I am aiming to leave work around 5 today.  A special little Friday treat to myself!  We are having dinner tonight with Chris and Kim out at the American Tap Room.  Then tomorrow Justin and I are heading up to Pennsylvania for a wedding of one of my good friends, Karen, from when I was at Virginia Tech.

(Not quite sure what is going on in that picture but it was the only one I had on my computer of the two of us–circa 2003.  Yikes, I look like a baby! And we both have really oddly shaped faces in that picture…can I blame the camera?)

And us now

(Taken last summer in Charlotte, NC at what I think was the hottest day of my life.  The Virginia Tech vs. ECU football game.  She got engaged the next day!)

If you have read my blog for long enough, you will know that I am an emotional writer.  It is how I deal with things.  I have always kept a journal, written letters, etc.  I guess I just find guidance and solace in words.  I also LOVE to read, so I guess that goes together with my enjoyment of writing.  I can feel another semi-emotional rant coming on….so you have been warned.

I am still feeling lost.  Finishing the thesis was suppose to take all the stress away and give me guidance.  It was suppose to be a sudden release of a weighted balloon and everything was suppose to be all better.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t feel so.  If anything, I have felt down and blue all week since the defense.  I don’t know why.  I wish I understood my mental state and what causes it more.

And counting calories has already become an obsession.  I really want to lose these 7-10lbs.  I want them gone.  I want all the clothes I wear to fit exactly how they are supposed to and I want to feel confident when I look in the mirror after a shower.  I want to know that I will look tone and good in a bathing suit.  I feel like losing the weight will bring about a physical happiness that I crave which will lead to a mental happiness.

But I know it shouldn’t be that way.  I know all the “beauty comes from within” statements but I need to be honest….I am never going to really embrace that statement.  I like looking good.   I like feeling confident and some of that does come from being physical pleasing/attractive to myself and others.

What do I do now?  Where am I now?  How do I move forward and improve upon myself, especially mentally and emotionally?  Those are the things within me that really need the most work.  I defended my thesis this week and passed.  I have been beating myself up since Monday because I feel like I didn’t do as well as I should have.  That many of my answers were awful and in hindsight, I am almost ashamed/embarrassed by them.  That shouldn’t matter…I am done!  But I just can’t let it go and be accepting of my achievement.

I obviously have more issues to address than just a number on a scale and the minutes I put in on a treadmill.  I need to address what ever is within me that is holding me back from truly appreciating and enjoying life…because guess what, I have a pretty good life.  I have NO REASON to complain or be upset or be truly stressed….I have it good.  And I need to somehow figure out how to see that, embrace it and appreciate it.

I feel like this blog is a wonderful outlet for me.  I enjoy writing (I know I have A TON of grammatical errors every day…don’t worry, I am COMPLETELY aware…the issue is that I try to get the post up as soon as possible and therefore typically don’t proofread…just bear with me…my perfectionist personality has a heart attack when I reread my blog most days.  I try to fix the errors but I don’t always have time.)

 

I guess my next thing is to invite you to come on this journey with me.  It is a journey I have been on for awhile.  If you have been reading (or know me in real life) you know that these are all issues that I have been working at for ages.  And I have made major steps forward.  My perfectionism has definitely gotten better.  My anger towards myself for not succeeding with excellence at everything I do has weaned.  And these are all things I want to continue.

My blog will continue to focus on food/working out but it will also focus on things that make me happy.  I need to focus on that and the rest will follow.  I need to work hard at the things I love (making good food, enjoying time with my husband, working out, etc.) and let the other things go away.  And hopefully the negative side of me will be even more silenced and the rest may just fall into place.

So no more pictures of everything I eat.  I will start describing my workouts differently.  It won’t be I did X exercise for Y minutes.  I want to encompass what I enjoy about the workouts, how they made me feel…etc.  I do find solitude in my sweat sessions and I need to start conveying that, not the calorie number I burned.  Maybe I’ll start including some of the music I listened to or new mile paces or wisdom’s (??? if we could call them that….) that come to me while out on a jog.

And my pictures aren’t going to be of everything.  Just things that I enjoy or are different or that I created or what ever. And there will be more photos of non-food/workout related things.  So it will be a bit different, I hope you like it.  And I will love to hear your inputs on all of this!

Sorry for the long post, but it was due.  I must fight, internally, to gain my own happiness.  I cannot allow something , what ever it is internally that is doing it, to hold me back from enjoying my life to the utmost…because like they say, you never know how short or how fleeting it will be.  I can’t change the past but I definitely can impact the future.

Here are a few pics from yesterday.

I didn’t go to yoga yesterday because I felt so woozy after donating blood…I figured yoga would be a bad idea.  I needed to take care of myself.  So I went to Barnes & Noble and got an Earl Gray Tea and bought this Lucinda Roy book.  This book is DEFINITELY controversial in Blacksburg.  She was the head of the English department and knew Cho the best out of anyone at Virginia Tech.  She wrote the book stating that if her knowledge could prevent just one other person from carrying out an attack, then it was worth it.  And that she couldn’t sleep at night knowing what she knew and felt she needed to get it out there just in case she potentially could help prevent another incident. 

All proceeds go to Sierra Leone (very war torn country that has had a VERY severe civil war…currently is falling into the hands of potential terrorist, but that is all information from my thesis) and not to her own personal gain, which is why I decided to finally purchase the book.

And I personally know quite a few people discussed in the book and I wanted to see her take on the situation and the decisions they made.  I have been told personally by one person that he was actually pleased with how nice she was regarding his choices…she wasn’t nearly as nice to others in the book.

Sitting outside in the bright gorgeous sun reading the book around 5:30PM last night:

And you KNOW this veggie sandwich is going to be good.  How could something that colorful and yummy looking not be delicious?!

Apologizes for the bizarre layout/format today.  And the long babble.  I will work on this and attempt to make it more appealing to the reader (once again, suggestions would be wonderful!)

Have a great Friday.  Enjoy the weather if it is nice where you are and try to just smile and be happy!